“My Daddy will never walk me down the aisle” was one of the
most distressing realizations I had the day he died. The thought brought its
own outpour of bitter tears. How I had always dreamed of the happy day I would
be married! To date, Daddy had always been first in my heart; I had always
resolved to never marry someone without his most fervent blessing and his
utmost approval. I would think, “Above all things, he MUST get along with my father; my father must like him, respect him,
and trust him; or he has no hope of ever winning my affection or regard.”
I remember with a tear or two expressing this to Brent. He
laughed, saying, “You don’t need anyone to walk you down the aisle; your five brothers will carry
you!” The tears had no room after that, for how could I not laugh at the ridiculous
picture his words brought to mind! Brothers can be SO sweet sometimes.
But my thoughts of marriage continued, growing stronger as
the days went on and there was no Daddy coming home in the evenings; only Brent
and Stephen, and though sweet as they are, they’re still brothers. The enemy does use such times when we’re vulnerable to
play with our mind, and I battled as never before with foolish fancies that
seemed to appear from nowhere and want to take up residence. I hated them; I
refused them; shutting them out again and again, disallowing them to reign in
my heart and in my mind.
We live in a sensual, perverted culture that screams at
youth, dictating that they stagger through dozens of different relationships,
beginning at age thirteen and on up, until they find The One. And by the way, don’t dare find him (or her) until you’re
at least in your twenties! Also, don’t forget, you want to graduate college first
and get that high-paying job! With this mentality, who knows how many boyfriends a girl will go through in ten or
twelve years? How many hours, days, years
wasted on someone who will later be only a scar on her heart? What folly! How
pointless, trifling, and vain!
I am not exempt from this culture and its pull. I desire to
be married. At times, I covet it. I would love to marry a man who fears God
more than man and who loves Him more than pleasures; but, and this I say
loudly, I’d rather be attending the Lord without distraction (I Corinthians
7:35) then absorbed in a vain relationship. I’d rather be content with serving
my family, unmarried, than discontent with a worldly husband and 2.3 bratty
kids demanding children. You see, more than I anything else, I desire to
seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. Oh, how I do not want to
be as the horse and mule which must be controlled by bit and bridle! May I
follow the leading of the Lord, willingly, submissively, gladly; and even when
I do not understand the bend in the road, may I lean on His understanding,
trusting Him to direct me in the path where I can most effectively encourage
others in our pilgrim journey!
How can I rejoice in the path before me, and yet still covet
marriage so earnestly? It’s a double standard. “Purify your hearts, ye
double-minded” (James 4:8) Which I find I must do daily, praying that I not be
deceived nor allow my heart to be stolen prematurely. “Guard my heart, O
Lord. Change it, renew it, to desire what You desire and to hate what You
hate.”
The Book of Revelation speaks of the bride, “who hath made
herself ready,” and the bride, “adorned for her husband.” Because I do not yet
know what my future husband may need, my focus must be delicately dependent on
the Lord’s work in me. He knows all things and knows exactly how to prepare me
for what is so unknown and unseen, that I may do him good even now and all the
days of my life, doubling his joys, and dividing his sorrows. May God work in
me, that I may be strong to conquer all the challenges that await me in my life
with him, as his helpmeet. I pray God is even now birthing in him a great
mission, great not necessarily in size, but in depth, eternal weight in glory,
in everlasting significance.
I do not have an unrealistic, legalist standard, but a
Biblical, kingdom-minded one. All preconceived notions and personal preferences
aside, my first questions are, “Would this union bring glory to Christ? Would
it result in more souls birthed into the Kingdom? Would it be a picture
of Christ’s love for His Church? Could I submit to him as the Church is subject to
Christ? Would this man’s love for our children be such that their minds may
easily draw a parallel between their earthly and heavenly Fathers, and thus be
filled with awe of how God the Father must love them?”
For now, my family needs me, and until a godly man needs my
help more than my family does, I will continue to joyfully serve the beautiful
family the Lord has given me.
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